‘Holding Time’ Bonds Mom & Kids
From Ask the Expert The Capital Times Thursday, May 9, 1996
Q: I have two great children, a 5-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl. Things have gone pretty well for us until recently. My 2-year-old started throwing temper tantrums and also became very clingy to me and my 5-year-old has been picking on the little one something awful. My mom, who babysits the children for me, says she noticed the changes starting after I went back to work full time. She thinks I should stay home with them all the time like she did with us. I feel terrible and guilty, but we need the money, and besides, I needed to get out of the house more or I'd go crazy. I love my kids a lot, but I'm afraid I don't know ho wot handle what's going on. Do you have any suggestions?
A:Thank you for writing and congratulations for your alertness to signs of distress in your family.
At 2 years old, your daughter is curiously exploring her world and aware of her new independence from you. At the same time, she is even more dependent on your constant presence and attention. The happiest toddler is free to explore her world, all the while aware that mom, her center of gravity, is nearby and available for regular check-ins. The tantrums and clinginess are her signs to you that her needs are not being adequately met.
Your 5-year-old son is also in a stage of increasing independence and autonomy. In fact, at this age, many others sense their children's increasing ability to successfully separate from them, and they let go a little too much. Yet he, too, still relies on your for his sense of balance. An increase in sibling rivalry may be the consequence of too-little togetherness your boy is feeling with you.
When you returned to a full-time job outside the home, you became less available to your children. You are probably more tired and preoccupied. Certainly you have less time for yourself and your personal needs as well as for the needs of your family.
And because you are away from your children for so many hours each day, the sad and difficult truth is that their center of gravity has shifted and their balance is upset! It's hard on them.
How fortunate that a loving family member can take care of your children while you are away.
Remember, however, that Grandma is no substitute for you.
Your children want you and will feel deprived without you. Because you are still the most important person in their lives, they need to feel securely attached to you. That is no easy thing when you are separated many hours a day from each other.
Feeling guilty about going to work only adds to the difficulty of trying to make the best of a tough situation. The reality is that fewer than 12 percent of American mothers are at home full-time with their young children. This situation stresses most families.
Some very gifted mothers intuitively know how to make up for the decreased time they spend with their children by increasing the strength of the bond. They know how to solidly reconnect with their children when they return. But to do this well, all of the time, takes an exceptional mother as well as an exceptional child. The rest of us need additional strategies to make up for the loss of contact with our little monsters!
Because you now have less time to spend with them, use the time you do have together most effectively.
Make your children your top priority and let them know it. When you first come home from work, really focus your attention on them. Play with them for a little while if possible. Physical play can be especially satisfying. Don't worry about making a fabulous dinner. Grilled cheese sandwiches and a happy family are more important than hate cuisine.
There is also a parenting approach called "holding time" that may be especially useful now that you must maximize the limited time you have with your children. I am particularly fond of it because it has helped me become a more effective and secure mother.
According to this approach, when our children behave in ways that upset us - or we do something to upset our children - the connection bond is weakened.
"Holding" is a specific method of interacting with a child that combines a physical embrace with the expression of emotion, opening a channel for safely expressing even the most distressing thoughts and feelings. This procedure actually repairs and restores a weak connection between mother and her child, strengthening the bond and creating more security for both of them.
You may be wondering what temper tantrums, clinginess and picking on the younger sister have to do with a weak connection between a mother and her children. They are all signs of insecurity and angry feelings. Children typically "act out" their feelings until they are taught how to identify, accept, and verbally express themselves.
The holding process provides a safe, positive approach that encourages a child (and the mother) to get in touch with feelings and learn how to talk about them. Once feelings are safe and acceptable to have and to talk about, children (and adults) no longer unconsciously act them out in their behaviors.
After becoming familiar with holding time when my own children were young, I incorporated it into my family routine. I was so satisfied with the beneficial results that it soon became a mainstay in my counseling work with families and couples.
I urge you to read the excellent book "Holding Time," by Martha Welch. Dr. Welch is a child psychiatrist and writes in a clear, engaging style. She has a wealth of information about mothering and describes in easy-to-understand terms all the details of how to use the holding time approach. With this additional tool, your difficult situation can be turned around to everyone's advantage
