What is ‘Holding Time’?
by Hava Kohl-Riggs, CICSW, BCD
Since I began using holding time in 1993, it has become an integral part of my approach as a mother. In addition, it has strongly informed my clinical social work (psychotherapy and counseling) with couples, families and individuals. When used by the loving, committed mother of any age child, it will enhance communication, address problematic behaviors and increase family harmony. I really enjoy teaching holding time; it is so satisfying to share something so successful.
When your child behaves in a way that upsets you -- or you do something to upset your child -- the connecting bond between the two f you is weakened. Holding time is a specific, scientific method that combines physical contact with the expression of emotion, allowing you and your child to safely express your feelings and heal any ruptures in your attachment. It replaces the use of threats, withdrawal from privileges, spankings, or time outs, all of which increase distance and further threaten the bond between you and your child. Instead, this healing technique enhances successful communication, heightens self esteem for both mother and child, and strengthens the attachment that emotionally connects mother and child.
At the same time that it is a specific parenting tool, the mother who consistently uses holding time consistently will find that the wounds of her own childhood are healing. As they heal, she will have more access to her intuitive wisdom and inner resources.
Holding time is valuable because it is not something you do to your child but something you do together. It engages both mother and child in teaching and healing each other, and truly facilitates the process of mutual growth. Holding time is a tool that keeps the channel between mother and child open so that love can flow easily in both directions.
Critical for a child's well-being is that he or she feel loved. In order for love to be received, a child must be able to accept it. Just a s a fetus inutero receives its nourishment and life-support from the mother through an umbilical cord that connects the two of them, so too, does a child receive its emotional nourishment and life-support through the intangible umbilical cord referred to as the attachment bond. Through this attachment bond the child accepts love.
What is the attachment bond I refer to? Most if us know intuitively what I mean. It is that sense of feeling securely connected to someone else, even when separated by physical distance. Bonding begins to develop between the mother and child upon conception and continues throughout the pregnancy. Temporarily disrupted by birth experience, a mother restores it with the close physical contact such as snuggling and breastfeeding and tending to the physical and emotional needs of the newborn. Attachment continues to develop as the mother appropriately responds to the baby's needs and the baby finds that its communication successfully elicits a satisfying response.
Just as the separation inherent in birth quite literally disrupts the attachment bond, so too do the everyday ordinary separations and frustrations of daily living. Hawed the bond is disrupted, the initial reaction is anger, and as long as the anger is in place, the bond remains disrupted.
Imagine that your baby is three weeks old and you are home alone with her. The baby has nursed or been fed and is napping peacefully in the cradle, so you decide to take a chewier you've been needling. You step in the shower and rush through it because you've never left the baby entirely alone before. When you turn off the faucet and step out, your heart drops as yo hear a faint cry from the other room. Throwing a towel on you rush out to her only to find a red-faced, bawling baby. You have no idea how long she's been crying, but it couldn't have been more than the nine minutes it took you to shower.
Nine minutes may not seem life a long time to you, but to our newborn for who time has no meaning, it has been an eternity. She experienced a need and you were not available to meet that need immediately. Her previously unchallenged expectation that her needs would be met upon experiencing them has been shattered. Her normal reaction is anger, for this is the emotion that provides energy to regroup and restore boundaries. Holding time is the tool that harnessed the energy so that it is channeled for positive use.
Holding time directly acknowledges and addresses the anger. While physically embracing your child, whose body may be rigidly arching away from you, you'll try to look her in the eye and ask :What have I done to make you angry with me?" An infant will OT talk in words, or course, but you talked to your baby when you were pregnant didn't you? And you'll continue to talk to her well before she responds with any recognizable verbiage. In this case, you'll also try to answer for her. "Are you angry 'cause I wasn't' here when you woke up? Because you're scared? DI something startle you awake? I'm here now. That's right, I won't leave you until we're both feeling better. I love you so much. I felt so sad when I found you here crying and upset. I was only gone a short time, but you didn't know I'd be right back. I'm back now. . . "
After a while, your baby calms down an relaxes into your arms, mold her body to yours. She finds your eyes with hers and you gaze adoringly at each other. You both feel better. You feel gratified that your baby responds to your attempts to soothe her and she feels satisfied to be once again safely held in your arms.
Most mothers who know nothing about holding time intuitively respond sensitively and similarly to the imagine situation. The only difference may be that the baby's anger nor the mother's feeling would be acknowledged and verbalized. Acknowledging the troubling feeling is Avery important as your child grows older and acts out his feelings through his behavior. By acknowledging and validating the feeling involved, you provide a safe and loving "container" for their expression. The connection between mother and child is maintained and strengthened.
The beauty of holding time is that it is a precise technique that is easy to learn and applicable in virtually any situation. When used regularly, it will prevent trouble from developing. It is also used "on he spot" when a problem arises. When used in these ways, you feel more closely connected to you your children and the hold family benefits.
This is merely a brief introduction to the Welsh method of holding time. Those who would like to learn more about this remarkable parenting approach can read he book written by Martha Welch, M.D., Holding Time. In the fall I will again offer a Mothering Support Group which incorporates instruction and coaching in holding time. For more information call the Madison Mother Center at 608-238-7405.
Hava Kohl-Riggs, CICSW is certified independent clinical social worker and marriage and bailey therapist. She is the director of Heartland Counseling Services and the founding director of Madison Mothering Center, a Heartland program focusing on mothering issues. For the last 20 years, she has been counseling families, couples, and individuals, providing workshops and retreats, and teaching for both the UW Madison Extension and Edgewood College
